5 Psychological Truths Leaders Need to Thrive
Five psychological truths that have shaped my journey as a leader, parent, and person.
My name is Rob Ruff, and I serve as Vice President at Strongpay. I’m also a husband, father of twin girls, small business owner at Glamtique, and someone who has learned many of these lessons the hard way. These truths aren’t out there theories - they come from lived experience, a lot of reading and applying what I’ve learned, leadership wins and failures, and personal struggles that forced me to grow.
Leadership isn’t just about strategy, execution, or business acumen. It’s about understanding yourself and the psychology that drives how you think, feel, and act.
My goal with this information is to show that growth is an ongoing process. It’s not perfect. Nobody has it all figured out. However, awareness is key to being able to move forward and forge a new path for yourself, your family, coworkers, and your teams. We all have struggles. The opportunity is to better understand them and transform them into future successes.
Over the past several weeks, I shared five psychological truths on LinkedIn that have shaped my journey as a leader, husband, father, and business owner. Together, they form a blueprint for growth, resilience, and authenticity.
Truth #1: You Are Not Your Thoughts
For years, my inner voice was brutal. The critic in my head wasn’t kind or helpful, it was a bully.
As a kid, I was bullied, and those external voices eventually became internal ones:
“You’re nothing.”
“You’ll never be enough.”
“You’re an idiot.”
Even as I grew older and became more “successful” on the outside, that voice didn’t go away - it just shifted forms. Instead of “you’re nothing,” it became “you’re still not enough.” The voice always moved the goalpost.
Here’s the truth: you are not your thoughts.
Cognitive psychology tells us the brain is full of distortions - shortcuts designed to keep us safe. These patterns (like catastrophizing, mind-reading, or all-or-nothing thinking) helped our ancestors survive, but they often sabotage our ability to thrive in modern life.
The trap many leaders fall into is believing their inner critic must be obeyed. But thoughts aren’t facts. They’re passing signals, shaped by wounds, biases, and fears.
The real work is learning to notice your thoughts, name them, and then decide if they’re useful. One technique I use is to literally name my inner critic. Mine is “Fred.” Sorry Fred’s – this is just a name. When Fred shows up, I don’t fight him - I acknowledge him. Then I choose whether or not to listen.
For leaders, this practice is vital. If you take every thought as truth, you’ll overreact, second-guess, or spiral into doubt. But if you can create space between the thought and yourself, you can act with clarity.
Truth #2: Emotions Are Signals, Not Directives
As humans, we’re built for survival. Which means we’re wired to feel first and think later. That wiring kept us alive in dangerous environments, but in the conference room or at home, it often backfires.
The problem? Most of us either suppress emotions (“I don’t have time for this”) or obey them blindly (“I’m furious, so I’ll say exactly what I think”). Both approaches create problems.
The shift is this: emotions are signals, not directives.
When you feel anxious before a big meeting, the signal might be “this matters to you” or “prepare better.” The directive isn’t “cancel the meeting.”
When you feel angry after a teammate drops the ball, the signal might be “something important wasn’t handled” or “your standards were violated.” The directive isn’t “lash out.”
For me, alcohol was once a way to suppress emotions. I thought I was “managing,” but really, I was avoiding. Sobriety forced me to face emotions head-on. It taught me that feeling an emotion doesn’t mean I must act on it.
A practical tip I use: replace “I am” with “I feel.”
“I am anxious” → “I feel anxious.”
“I am angry” → “I feel angry.”
That one-word shift creates space. And in leadership, space is everything. It’s the difference between reacting in the heat of the moment and responding with wisdom.
Truth #3: Your Childhood Still Shapes You
We like to believe we leave childhood behind when we grow up. The truth? It never really leaves us.
Psychology calls this attachment theory - the idea that how caregivers responded to us early in life shapes how we approach relationships later. If your needs were met with consistency, you likely developed secure attachment. If they were ignored, inconsistently met, or punished, you may lean anxious, avoidant, or even disorganized.
These patterns show up everywhere:
Anxious attachment may lead to people-pleasing or fear of abandonment.
Avoidant attachment may look like difficulty trusting others or self-sabotage.
Disorganized attachment often brings a push-pull dynamic, wanting closeness but fearing it.
The point isn’t to blame childhood forever, it’s to recognize that those patterns still drive how we show up today. Once you see them, you can start to rewrite them.
Personally, I grew up a latchkey kid. I remember hose water, MTV, cassette tapes, and cereal-box toys. Nostalgia is fun, but buried inside those “good ole days” were also moments of loneliness and independence that shaped how I learned to cope. Some of those lessons made me resilient. Others made me guarded.
As a leader, recognizing that your team members also carry their own histories matters. Not everyone reacts the way you do, because not everyone was raised the way you were. Creating space for awareness, curiosity, and open conversation helps everyone grow.
Truth #4: You Crave Validation More Than Truth
Humans are wired to crave validation. From an evolutionary perspective, it’s status-seeking behavior. Belonging meant survival. Rejection meant risk.
But in today’s world, constantly chasing validation creates emptiness. It leads to groupthink, people-pleasing, and a shallow sense of achievement.
High performers are especially vulnerable. We set goals, crush them, then immediately move the bar higher. For a while it feels good - but over time, it starts to feel hollow.
The truth is: validation isn’t enough. We need a deeper purpose, something rooted in truth and love rather than approval.
As Mark Manson bluntly puts it in “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F$@!”, freedom comes when you stop weighting your life on others’ approval.
That doesn’t mean becoming abrasive. Quite the opposite. It means releasing yourself from the shackles of what others expect and living authentically.
At work, this shows up as accountability. At Strongpay, we don’t always agree, but we do tell the truth. We challenge each other’s thinking, give timely feedback, and embrace tension as a path to better ideas.
Truth over validation isn’t easy. But it’s where trust is built, and where real leadership lives.
Truth #5: Discipline Is Freedom
Motivation is fleeting. It’s nice when it shows up, but it can’t be counted on.
Discipline, on the other hand, is what endures. Habits compound over time into freedom, consistency, and results.
For me, the turning point was when I quit drinking, had kids, and dove headfirst into health and fitness. I learned that showing up, day after day, mattered more than any short burst of motivation.
The formula is simple but hard: Do the hard things, every day.
The painful ones. The mundane ones. The ones 90% of people avoid.
When you start small, whether it’s going to the gym, drinking water, or writing daily, you eventually put it on autopilot. Once it becomes automatic, it stops draining willpower and starts fueling momentum. That’s the freedom.
Stacking habits makes this even more powerful:
Lifting weights leads to drinking more water.
Walking leads to better sleep.
Eating better leads to more energy.
And before long, your life feels easier - not because of magic or luck, but because you put in consistent action.
In leadership, the same principle applies. Discipline in feedback, discipline in listening, discipline in showing up for your team. These small, daily commitments create long-term trust and impact.
The Bigger Picture
These five truths aren’t hacks. They’re principles I’ve learned through experience -sometimes the hard way.
You are not your thoughts.
Emotions are signals, not directives.
Your childhood still shapes you.
You crave validation more than the truth.
Discipline is freedom.
At Strongpay, we apply these every day: giving honest feedback, building healthy habits, and striving to get 1% better together. Because leadership isn’t about perfection, it’s about progress.
Which of these truths resonates most with you right now?
Follow me, Strongpay and Strongpoint Partners on LinkedIn for more content like this – and also a lot of payroll and 401(k) related information.